tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934274044361434025.post5643047256626366367..comments2024-02-07T09:24:42.073-08:00Comments on Dan Absalonson | Author of SciFi & Fantasy: A Call for Beta Readers!Dan Absalonsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02098793795514654455noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934274044361434025.post-75617072174844283612011-05-26T09:57:05.925-07:002011-05-26T09:57:05.925-07:00Dan, thanks for your comments. I really appreciate...Dan, thanks for your comments. I really appreciate you guys giving it to me straight. Not enough conflict is a big problem with me, and one I need to work on in my writing. I really like what you had to say. I'm going to have the robber end up being a doctor who's fallen on hard times because he became an alcoholic and so could no longer practice medicine. He'll be the one our hero has to rely on to help his wife give birth on the floor of the store. I agree with all your findings and will use them as well as Tim's to make my story better. Thank you so much for your input!Dan Absalonsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02098793795514654455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934274044361434025.post-9796784196501258752011-05-25T23:40:07.354-07:002011-05-25T23:40:07.354-07:00I liked it. Fun idea. Glad I’m not this guy. OK, m...I liked it. Fun idea. Glad I’m not this guy. OK, my thoughts:<br /><br />I definitely can’t relate to this character early on. Despite the danger associated with seeing a man with a gun, I would have run toward my wife, not first hidden in the car. Instinct before commonsense. Wait for the robbery to get over? What a wimp. So I question his motives from the beginning. <br /><br />Give me the wife’s name earlier – I want to know who he cares about. Sadie is important, but we don’t learn it until way later.<br /><br />Time of day sets the scene, but we don’t learn about it until the second paragraph. I’ve already pictured it being daytime given the title of the story. Night is scary, mention it earlier. Late night run for frosting – pregnant woman – makes perfect sense to me. Also if its at night, how many customers are in the store?<br /><br />Second paragraph. Wouldn’t the robber by distracted “by the cashier he was pointing at,” not just simply “distracted?” Or would he be intently focused on the cashier, oblivious to me entering the store.<br /><br />Potato chip paragraph: at this point I’m imagining the terrible thoughts that might be running through my wife’s mind. She must be terrified. She must be scared for her unborn child. She must be hoping that I stayed in the car – at least one parent would live to raise our other children (assuming we have them-at this point the reader doesn’t know). She is the only reason I left the car. She matters earlier and seems to be a passing thought in the next paragraph.<br /><br />This hospital is first class. My experience with admitting usually takes forever!<br /><br />Need some clarity here. I think we’re missing some words with the cops: “Every time I gave them knew information, the cop name Sam wrote”<br /><br />Were there two cops or just one?<br /><br />Final thoughts – off the wall. I never made it to the hospital. The robber is really a doctor – he has to convince you that he’s the real deal (some sob story) and delivers the baby right there at the check stand. He’s the only one that can help you. She’s having complications that he recognizes. Maybe the cops show up and arrest you, since you’re holding the gun. <br /><br />I agree with the previous comment. It’s too easy for the hero. Get some blood on his hands.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01124008863317394607noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934274044361434025.post-69119437465922315652011-05-25T11:20:44.860-07:002011-05-25T11:20:44.860-07:00How does him taking the money make life harder on ...How does him taking the money make life harder on the hero though? I'm getting the feeling his wife will need to have the baby somewhere inconvenient and dangerous...Tim Wardhttp://timothycward.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934274044361434025.post-59614866066329819022011-05-25T10:40:54.179-07:002011-05-25T10:40:54.179-07:00I'm thinking the man who takes the gun isn'...I'm thinking the man who takes the gun isn't an accomplice, but decides to rob the store himself now he has the gun, and maybe the money is in a bag ready for him to head out. Maybe the robber gets smashed with the pot just as he's reaching for the bag full of money from the cashier.Dan Absalonsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02098793795514654455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934274044361434025.post-43500796852037180522011-05-25T10:28:30.972-07:002011-05-25T10:28:30.972-07:00Thanks Tim! Great comments. I'll have to let t...Thanks Tim! Great comments. I'll have to let them sit a while in my noggin. I think you're dead on, I just need to figure out how he can get them out of there safely now :) I really appreciate it, thank you!Dan Absalonsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02098793795514654455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934274044361434025.post-2183133452406727882011-05-25T10:00:46.484-07:002011-05-25T10:00:46.484-07:00Hey Dan!
On one hand, it is an enjoyable story ab...Hey Dan!<br /><br />On one hand, it is an enjoyable story about a husband and father sacrificing safety for love, ending with the warm fuzzy feeling of being a new dad. On the other hand, though, there aren't any surprises. Everything the hero does is successful. You could add some conflict when he hands the gun off, or even make the guy he hands it to part of the robber's posse and then the gun is turned on him and he becomes a hostage as they escape. I don't mean to add conflict just for conflict sake, I just don't think this was hard enough on your character to "learn the lesson" that he'll do anything for the ones he loves. Maybe focus on some kind of weakness he has that would make this particular situation difficult to choose loving his wife at any cost, such as a fear of conflict matched with breaking his glasses or something like that.Tim Wardhttp://timothycward.comnoreply@blogger.com